Knowing
by SkyetheWriter
Summary: She doesn't know that he knows. She doesn't know that he hears her when she creeps into his room at night-into his bed. This just kinda wrote itself in my head while I was falling asleep. IM3 feels made me write it up properly. OneShot.


**A/N: Okay so an inundation of Iron Man 3 feels plus a lot of free time without internet equals me writing oneshots. ****I actually wrote this before the trailer came out and forgot about it...but it kinda works with the trailer although in this they're not canon yet. Don't normally write in present tense because I don't really like stories to be written in it but I just felt it worked better for this, so I hope it's okay. Enjoy!  
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**Disclaimer: If I owned it I would not have tried to murder the fandom with half-hearted insinuations that Pepper's going to die. (She better not freaking die Marvel or you are deaddy dead dodos) Seriously that trailer gave me so many feels I don't know what to do with myself.  
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She doesn't know that he knows. She doesn't know that he hears her when she creeps into his room at night-into his bed. She doesn't know that he's awake, that he feels her gentle caresses and the soft, warm butterfly kisses she places on him. Never on his face-up along the edge, along his hairline, his ears, his jawline, down his neck and across his shoulders-but never on his face.

Sometimes she whispers things-she doesn't know he hears them. She begs things of him-things that he promises to her in the silence of his mind even though he knows he'll still break them.

'I wish you'd stop, Tony. Why do you insist on putting yourself in danger?'

'I just want you to stop hurting yourself…and if you can't do that then can you…could you just…just promise me you'll always come home to me,' He wants to tell her he will, but he can't.

Sometimes she doesn't say anything at all. She always cries.

She doesn't know that this strange ritual is helping him stay sane. He never asked for it-or would have thought to ask-but somehow she is saving him without trying, just like she always does.

She doesn't know that he hasn't had one of his dreams since she's started coming. Not one. Normally he can't close his eyes without the images swarming him. He dreams about Yinsen and the cave, about being all alone in the middle of the desert. He dreams about Obadiah, about the Iron Monger's huge arm poised to steal her life away. About mysterious voices on the end of phones telling him they've stolen her from him. Planes she's on crashing, boats she's on sinking, even her getting run down whilst crossing the street. He dreams about her dying, but more than that, he dreams about afterwards. He dreams about her absence and the holes it leaves in his life. All his dreams are nightmares. But when she lies next to him, when she holds him whilst he pretends to sleep, then he knows they're safe.

She doesn't know that he watches her. When the tears finally stop flowing and her blue eyes close, his brown ones are left free to inspect her. He watches her whilst she sleeps, hypnotized by the rise and fall of her chest. Reassured by the life it proves is still flowing through her-and this is the knowledge that finally soothes him into falling asleep himself.

She doesn't know that now when he sleeps-with her arms wrapped around him-that he still dreams about her. Not bad things though. Simple things-like her hair, her smile, her fathomless ocean blue eyes. It's all he needs to keep himself fighting another day. All he needs for now at least.

When he wakes she's always gone. She doesn't know that every time he wakes to her absence that he cannot stop a tear or two escaping from beneath his own eyelids.

She doesn't know that he knows she was even there.

So every night the ritual continues-every night he goes to bed at least. She comes to him, she kisses him, she holds him. She begs him to stop, asks him to promise to always come home, she cries. Again and again, every night until he forgets when it started happening, forgets a time when it didn't. Again and again, always the same and he never even stirs-until one night something changes.

She's begging-it's the part that breaks his heart most-but then she says something she's never said before and the ritual of so many nights is broken

'I wish you'd stop, I just wish you'd stop hurting yourself. God, Tony, can't you see that it hurts me too? Can't you understand how painful it is to see someone you love putting themselves in never-ending danger?'

She doesn't know that it takes everything he has in him not to react.

Did she say love? Did she mean it? What did she even mean-what kind of love?

He focuses everything he has on keeping his breathing slow and steady, on not giving away that he's awake, but he wants-he _needs_-to know what she means. He doesn't know how his ignorance on the subject never bothered him before, but suddenly he realises that his very sanity depends on knowing what she means. Yet he can't let her know that he's awake. He knows Pepper-he's known her for over ten years-and he knows that if he confronts her over the subject then she'll just run, no matter what she means.

So, even though it kills him, he lets it go-and the ritual continues; the new ritual. The ritual where she comes and holds him, tells him how difficult it is to see someone you love in danger, and cries. She's still always gone when he wakes up in the morning.

* * *

It's been nearly six months when he finally cracks. He walks down into the kitchen one morning to find her humming to herself as she brews the coffee, and he can't take his mind from how gorgeous she looks. The new ritual had only been going about three weeks when it occurred to him why exactly he needed to know her meaning so terribly badly. It was because he loved her, plain and simple-because he was _in_ love with her-and he was hoping beyond all hope that she felt the same.

He watches her as she reaches two mugs out of the cupboard and places them on the counter, still unaware of his presence behind her

'Do you plan on standing there watching me all day or are you going to come give me a hand?' maybe not so unaware then. She turns around to face him, but he remains still.

'Tony?' her brow creases a little in concern 'Hey, Tony!' she walks over to him and puts a hand on his shoulder, looking up to catch his eye. He stares back at her-his eyes not quite focused-and her frown deepens

'Tony? What's up?'

He shakes his head and meets her eye again, this time his eyes are alive and burning 'Do you love me?' he doesn't mean to let the words come out, but not knowing is killing him

She stumbles backwards, her mouth hanging open 'Wh-what?'

'I said-do you love me?'

'I…I…Tony what are…what are you talking about?' she's looking at the floor-avoiding his eyes-and he thinks he can see her cheeks turning red. He crosses his arms and looks at her calmly

'When you said you loved me-did you mean it?' he doesn't even know why he's doing this, if he doesn't shut up then she'll run-and she might never come back.

'I di-when did –what?' she shakes her head but her eyes are still focused intently on the floor

'When you come to my room at night-you've started referring to me as someone you love-do you mean it?'

Her head snaps up 'You _know_?' her face is a mix of horror and despair

'Of course I know, Pepper, you're not exactly subtle,' absently he realizes that he sounds harsh and uncaring, but he's tired of not knowing, he just wants her to get to the point and _tell_ him.

'Wh…how…' she's faltering, and she's reached a hand out to steady herself on the counter 'I didn't…I can't believe…you _know_?' her blue eyes meet his and there's such pain in them that it flicks a switch inside him. Suddenly he doesn't care what she feels, he doesn't care that he still doesn't know, all he cares about is that the woman he loves is standing in front of him breaking down-and it's his fault.

In one stride he's over to her and his arms are around her, holding her close

'I'm sorry. God, Pepper, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to upset you…I just…I just needed to know,' she's shaking in his arms and her fingers are digging into his back 'I just needed to _know_,'

'Know what?' she mumbles into his shoulder

'Whether you love me…whether you love me the same way I love you,' she stiffens, then pulls back to look at him

'You love me?' the look of incredulity on her face breaks his heart a little-is it really that difficult for her to believe?

'Of course I do, Pep,'

'Oh,' she looks down again

'And just to clarify,' he puts a finger to her chin and tilts her head back up so he can see into her eyes 'When I say I love you…I mean I'm _in_ love with you, Pepper,'

'Look I should really g-wait-what?' she stops trying to talk over him 'What did you say?'

'I said I'm in love with you, and that's why I wanted to know what you meant. I needed to know if you felt the same,'

'Wait so you don't mind?' her eyes are wide and disbelieving 'You're not pissed-you're not gonna…fire me?'

He laughs 'I wasn't planning on it, no. And if I minded why wouldn't I have said something?'

She frowns and then pulls back from him, crossing her arms 'That's a point-why _didn't_ you say something?'

'I…erm…well…'

'Anthony Stark you better think _very_ carefully before answering that question,' she looks like Pepper again, and it comforts him enough that he just tells her the truth

'Because I didn't want you to stop,'

There's a miniscule hardening in her eyes that warns him danger's coming-at least it will be if he doesn't get out what he needs to tell her

'Don't,' he holds a hand up before she can speak herself 'I don't mean what you think I mean…I mean…well-having you there is the only way I can sleep,' he shrugs

'What?'

'I have nightmares, Pep. I _had_ nightmares. They were so bad I couldn't sleep-why d'you think I was always down in the workshop at random hours of the night?'

'You still do that,' she reminds him dryly

'Well, yes-okay-yes I do. But not nearly as often anymore-and that's because of you. Because when you're there I don't feel scared anymore,'

Her eyes start to soften again 'Is that really true?'

He nods 'Yes,'

'What are they about-the nightmares?' she still looks a little sceptical

'You mainly,'

'Gee thanks,'

'No I don't mean…they're about you…dying, about me losing you. They all end the same as well; end with me alone with a gaping hole in my heart because you're not there and you never will be again. That's why I didn't say anything-because with you next to me I know you're safe and that's the only way I can get any sleep. I can't deal with the idea of you being _gone_, Pepper, I just can't,' he adds the last part almost matter-of-factly, shrugging again and holding his hands up defensively

'You-' she's staring at him, eyes wide and disbelieving 'Your nightmares are about me dying?'

He nods, a little stiffly

She's the one who goes to him this time, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck and burying her face in his shoulder again 'Sorry,' she offers and he chuckles quietly

'It's not your fault…well, actually it kinda is-I mean if you weren't so…_you_…then I wouldn't be so in love with you and I wouldn't be so scared of you dying,'

'Sorry,' she says again and he pulls back to look at her

'Don't be. I wouldn't want you to ever not be you-even if it's gonna cause me pain,'

'I don't want to hurt you, Tony,' she sighs

'I hurt you though, don't I?' his eyes hold hers for a long moment before she looks away-and it's all the answer he needs 'Then I guess we're even,' he shrugs and pulls her back in to him again

'Yes,' she mumbles into his shoulder after they've been standing there a few minutes

'What?'

'You asked if I meant it when I said I loved you,' she clarifies 'The answer's yes-_in_ love,' she adds before he can ask 'I'm in love with you too,'

He grins like a child at Christmas and she just rolls her eyes

* * *

That evening when she comes he doesn't pretend to be asleep. He stands up when he sees her hesitating by the door and pulls her to the bed with him.

'You can say it,' he murmurs into her hair as he holds her

This time she knows he hears him as she does. She knows he feels the gentle kisses and soft caresses, knows he sees the tears that fall from her blue eyes. She knows that he's listening when she begs him not to put himself in danger, knows he's watching as she drifts off to sleep.

This time he knows that she knows he's listening. He knows she means every last word, especially when she tells him she loves him. He knows that she's safe and happy in his arms, knows that he loves her too. When he falls asleep himself he knows that if he dreams it will only be about her hair, her smile, or her fathomless ocean blue eyes.

This time when he wakes up in the morning he doesn't need to feel for her to know that she's still there-to know she'll stay there every morning as long as he wants her too. She doesn't know yet, though he does, that he'll want her there every morning for forever. He knows he'll tell her that eventually, knows he'll ask her officially, he kind of likes that she doesn't know that yet-they still need some surprises.

When she does finally wake he knows by the look in her eye that she's happy and, as she kisses him good morning, he knows for sure that they are loved and they are safe. He knows she knows it too.

**Let me know what you thought. Or alternately just come and cry over the trailer with me. Either's good.  
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